New years eve

Ok, I know that the end of the year is supposed to be the beginning of new things and such.  I honestly don't want to move forward, I want to go back 2 months, I want to relive at least a little bit of my angels life with us.  I miss her so damn much, it hurts to miss her, but more so with each passing day.  It hurts to see so many happy people celebrating milestones, doing normal every day things.  It hurts for so many reasons that I can't begin to understand, let alone figure out.  It hurts because my little girl will never have these things, I will never share them with her or watch her see them for the first time.  It hurts because dang it  my world has fallen apart and everyone else's seems to just go along.  I totally understand that my world is a very small one and that everyone else's keeps going but I just feel so lost and lonely at times.  I'm trying so hard to go on and do things that would be "normal" but I can't even make cookies without crying because I can't share this with her either. I envy all the mothers out there that can watch all the little milestones that they are going to be seeing in the next couple of months.  I won't get those and it hurts.  My little angel will always be with me, but I hate the fact that she can't be part of these little things.  I'm hopelessly missing my little Katnip and there is nothing I can do about it.  I can feel the dread and the grief coming in a big huge wave and it scares the crap out of me.  I know there is a big break coming and I am helpless to stop it.  Sometimes I just wish the world would stop, that way I could stop hurting just for a moment.  My family and friends have been extremely supportive and I am thankful for that, but the times when I am alone and its just me and my thoughts and feelings, I fall apart and wonder if it is really that great to be "whole".  I will never be whole again.  I have this huge gaping hole in my heart and soul that will never heal and it's killing me.  Happy New Year Katnip, I love and miss you so very much baby girl.  I will be with you again someday but it can't be soon enough for me at times.

Holidays

The Christmas season is upon us, and I find myself wanting more and more to just curl up and hide from these stupid holidays and all that they entail.  I don't want to be here dealing with these things right now.  I just want to be back where I had my little girl in my arms. I want to be reveling in her first smile again. not mourning the fact that I will never see it again aimed at me.  I want to hear her first words, I want to see her first steps, I want to feel her hugs and kisses.  No parent should ever have to deal with this pain!!!!!!!  No parent should ever have to see their hopes and dreams be crushed in an instant this way.  I am sitting here writing again because I can't seem to let it out any other way without scaring the crap out of myself.  I am so angry and sad all at once.  What the hell is wrong with this world????  Why was my baby girl ripped from my arms?  Why when she was perfectly healthy was she taken and never returned?????  She was so loved by all of us in this family.  She was healthy and beautiful in every sense of the word.  Sometimes I wondered how someone so tiny could have completed our family so thoroughly. How someone so little could hold so much of my heart and yet seem so old and wise.  When she was born she didn't cry, they laid her on my stomach and she looked at me and I swear she was seeing into my soul.  She was so perfect.I have this big huge hole in my heart and soul because she is gone from me forever.  I know she is there somewhere but she should be in my arms, right now we should be getting her ready for her first christmas with the family.  Instead I am curled up on my couch clutching her blanket and crying.  She should have had a chance to live, to experience the joy of seeing gifts for her under a tree, of running through the grass and eating her first cake.  She should be dressed in a pretty holiday dress and going to see her Grandma and family from all over.  Instead I hold my necklace to my lips and whisper that I miss her, and I wish I could have shared so many more things with her.  She should be listening to her first christmas carols with that look of wonder on her face.  I honestly don't think I will ever want to celebrate these stupid holidays again.  I have my other children to think about so I will do what needs to be done but I can tell you all right this very second that I will never again take joy in the holidays again.  She was ripped away from me and my family and I can never rejoice in a holiday that she never got to experience.  A holiday that she should have had, that she would have loved as every child loves.  I can't seem to find the strength to get past the fact that this was taken from her.

Grief filled ramblings

So today marks 9 days, 18 hours and 3 minutes since my baby girl was ripped out of my life and my arms all at the same time.  She would have been  2 months, 1 week and 4 days old today.  She would be smiling into my face and the cooing would have started.  I try to stay strong during the hours that I spend with my children, my husband and family and friends, but it is getting increasingly hard for me to hold it together.  I can't bring myself to let go of anything.  I get angry when anyone moves Audrey's things. Nothing should change around me, these are the things that go through my head all day long.  I am truly angry, angry at everyone around me for expecting me to live through this pain, angry at myself for thinking I am alone when I have my wonderful husband and my children, angry at people who tell me she is in a better place, angry at people who say she is with god, angry at myself for sleeping with my daughter in my arms instead of in a crib, angry that I didn't wake her up earlier in the morning to go shopping because I am so sure she would still be here if I had, angry at myself  for feeling this way because I know I couldn't change this.  Wanting so much to go back in time and hold her one last time, kiss her sweet little face, smell her beautiful smell, just feel her with me one last time because she should be here now.  I shouldn't have to live the rest of my life without her, my sweet innocent little Katnip.  I should have the chance to watch her take her first steps, hear her say her first words, see the adoration in her little face when she looks up at me. I should be watching my husband play with her and talk to her, watch my Anton, Kieryn and Kendra touch her face and try so hard to make her smile. I shouldn't be awake at 2:13 am writing this down while I cry, alone and in so much pain.  I want so bad to feel her in my arms that sometimes I swear I still feel her there.  I hear her cries everywhere I go, I have this weight in my chest that I can't seem to get to leave.  I just can't seem to breathe.  Sometimes I wonder why I should, she stopped and sometimes I wish I would have too, but I remember the 3 little ones sleeping in the other rooms as I type this and Rick who has been my rock through so many things so far in our lives together.  I will live on as I learn to deal with this pain that will never leave me.  It is so hard sometimes just to breathe though, let alone live.  I shouldn't have to pick out an urn or box to put my little girl into, I shouldn't have to sit and see her swing or her blanket and know that it will never be used by my baby again.  I am feeling a pain that I never wanted to feel, would never wish on even the worst of people.  At times I sit and think, what did I do wrong?  Could I have done something different?  Why would the powers that be take such an innocent life?  I get answers to that one, they range from " She did what she came here to do." (WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???)  "She isn't in pain" (She was a perfectly healthy 2 month old baby girl!!!!! she wasn't in pain in the first place.  How dare you!!!!!!) "She is an angel watching over you now" (How in the holy hell am I supposed to be okay with that???  She is supposed to be in my arms, not in "heaven")  "she is in a better place" (This one by far pisses me off more than anything else right now, Maybe to you it is that easy, maybe you believe it is a better place, but do you have any proof????  Can you show me what this better place looks like?  Can you absolutely without a doubt guarantee that she is????  If you can then show it to me, prove to me she is in a better place and maybe I will believe you.  Until that day, don't say those stupid empty words to me or my family.
I want to believe that she is with me, loving me, and knowing that I loved her with my whole heart and soul.  I keep hoping for some sort of sign, something, anything that would help. My body, heart and soul are empty.  All I feel is pain, loneliness and grief.  I honestly don't remember what joy or happiness feels like.  This pain has just overwhelmed every single aspect of my life.  I can't go to the damn grocery store without breaking out into tears because there is a baby fussing, or to the DMV without wanting to just curl up in a ball. I can't make it through a meal or a simple trip down the street without looking for her.  I can't bring myself to pull the base of her car seat out of the car, even though rationally I know that I won't need it, and it would make my life a little easier.  I can't stand for anyone to touch or move her things. It literally paralyzes me if something is different.  I have cried myself to sleep because she isn't with me.  I have avoided sleep because I know she won't be here when I wake up, so my not so rational brain says if I don't sleep I won't hurt half as bad in the morning.  I have gone through days where I can't tell you if I ate, and if I did I don't remember what it was I ate because it hurts.  Everything hurts, walking around my house for no reason other than I don't want to see or think or feel.  There are moments of total numbness, blissful numbness when I don't see or feel anything at all.  Then there are moments of such excruciating pain that I just can't stand the feel of my own skin.  I see babies and I have moments when I just want to pick them up and cuddle them because if I feel them maybe I won't feel so empty, then moments where the pain of seeing another child literally hurts.  I'm talking about gut wrenching soul deep physical pain.  I needed to put this into words here because I can't weigh my husband, family and friends with anymore of this.  I love my daughters and my sons, my husband and my friends and family but I can't feel anything but this blinding pain.  I Love Audrey with all my heart and soul and she is gone from me forever.  I will one day be able to see her things or think of the wonderful moments I had with her, but until that day comes I am stuck in this little black corner of my mind.

Thanksgiving weekend

Thanksgiving day started as every other year has. We ate our turkey and fixings, enjoyed the company of family and friends and just enjoyed the holiday.  We decided to camp out in the living room since we had my wonderful stepdaughter Kim and her friend Sierra with us to go black Friday shopping with.  We all went to bed and I curled up between my hubby and our gorgeous 2 month old daughter.  She was sleeping almost all the way through the night at this point.  At about 3:30 she woke up so I fed her, changed her and then laid her down between my hubby and I.  I warned Rick that she was there and then waited for her to fall asleep.  I went back to sleep.  I woke up for no reason whatsoever at about 8 am, looked over at Little Audrey Katniss and thought something didn't look right, so I reached over and tried to wake her up.  She wasn't responding, I screamed at Rick to wake up and call 911.  I started CPR right away and kept at it until hubby took over so I could unlock the front door for the police and such.  An officer came in and took over the CPR.  I just stood there dumbfounded for a moment until the paramedics rushed by.  I honestly don't think I realized I was even awake.  It just felt like a really horrible bad dream. I stood there watching the paramedics through the door and answered the officers questions as best I could.  The next thing I know they are getting her ready to go.  I thought for sure this is going to all be okay.  I swear I knew it would be OK, nothing like this could happen to an innocent child.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I love being a mom, I love my children so damn much.  The officer asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital with my little Audrey and I ran inside long enough to grab my shoes and headed for the cruiser since they already had the door to the ambulance closed. I rode in that car and all I could think was that she would be OK, these people saved lives every day and who more deserved to be safe more than my little one.  We got to the hospital maybe 30 seconds after the ambulance and followed her into the ER. The nurses and doctors were rushing around so they made me stay outside the room and I just stood there crying.  I don't even know how long I stood there until a wonderful woman came over and gave me Kleenex and a chair.  I sat for who knows how long and just waited.  They stopped rushing and I am not sure what I did, who talked to me or anything.  I remember someone asking me if I wanted to spend some time with her.  I walked into that cold little room and she was wrapped up in a blanket on the bed.  They told me I couldn't pick her up and so I stood next to her and just kept rubbing her head and kissing her beautiful little face. They finally asked me if I was ready to go give my statement.  I followed the officer outside and as we are were walking out the officer looked at me and said " I have children myself and I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I'm sorry."  They put me in an interrogation room and that is when I realized I didn't have my purse, my wallet or my phone.  I sat there and just waited and cried.  My little redhead was gone. my little bit was no longer in my arms.  The came in and took my statement and honestly I don't remember who I talked to or how long I was there.  They finally let me see my husband for a moment and then sat me back in the room until it was time to go to another room.  I walked into this rather nice room with couches and pillows, but then I saw the other side was covered in baby items. Diapers, toys, you name it.  I just cried until they finally ushered my husband and my Kim in. We were given a couple minutes to comfort each other and then came the social worker and more counselors.  We were given information that they said would come in handy later and then they got ready to take us home.  They warned me that we would have to re-enact what happened so that they could figure out what happened.  Up until this point I was kind of in a stupor of sorts.  We got home and they ushered me and Rick into the house and asked us to set up the bed with us and a doll so that they could take pictures.  We had to answer so many questions that I couldn't tell you what any single one was.  Then the social services case worker had even more questions and more information for us.  Then we were left alone because my other 3 children were with Alissa.  Rick and I wandered around for a bit until we started to realize that everyone needed to know what had happened. We started sending text messages to everyone only because neither of us wanted to say it out loud.  Maybe it was just a misguided way of believing that it hadn't happened.  Not soon after the visits and hugs and tears were abounding through my house.  That first night I had so much trouble sleeping. At one point, I woke up and couldn't find her, I freaked out and ran through the house before I realized why she wasn't there.  I curled up in the bed with one of her blankets and  cried myself to sleep.  It has been a couple of days now and let me tell you that the pain seems worse now than it did before.  I cry most times, have some laughs from family and friends but it never lasts.  My husband is my rock, without him I would have lost it.  I miss her so damn much and my arms and heart are empty.  That hole hurts, and it will always remain empty.  We have decided to cremate our Katnip and have necklaces to put some of her ashes in so that we can carry her with us always.  We are not having a service, instead we are going to have a celebration with family and friends.  Our pseudo family is going to take Audrey on her first motorcycle ride and then make a huge noise with a ton of bikes sounding off in her honor.  I love her and always will and miss her something fierce.  Audrey Katniss Hepner born September 21, 2012 went to be with my father, Ricks father, My grandparents and our very good friend Patrick.  She left us physically on November 23, 2012 but will forever be in our hearts and minds. As I sit here writing these final words I can almost feel her in my arms and see her smiling face looking up at me.  I love you Audrey.

A little more about me

So for my first blog post ever, I figured I would tell you a little bit more about me....  I am a 30 year old mom of... uhm well total of 6 kids. I hate it when people categorize step-children as not theirs...  My kids are my world, we have Kim who is 16, James who is 13, Anton is 8, Kieryn is 5, Kendra who is 2 and then the newest addition Audrey who happens to be almost 3 weeks old.  These children are the combined effort of me and my husband Rick.  I am a stay at home mom with 4 of those little ones in the home all the time.  My hubby is a truck driver who runs from here in the Reno/Sparks area to Los Angeles during the week.  As a stay at home mom I personally feel that I have the hardest job in the entire world, although it is also the most rewarding for sure.  I am an avid hooker lol, not in the dirty sense, but in the crochet lingo sense.  I make all sorts of fun, creative things with a hook and yarn, although I think the hubby wished I had a more normal obsession because the yarn collection just keeps getting bigger and bigger.  I learned everything I know about crochet from my Grandmother Sylvia.  She was always pushing me to try new techniques or asking me to make her a new scarf or afghan.  She passed away this February, so sometimes my ramblings will be stories of me growing up or things she said or did.  I was told by a friend that I should start selling some of my creations but I think I will start off here and see where that goes.  LOL this may not turn into anything so we will see.