Monday, October 28, 2013

Halloween, the only true holiday I ever got to spend with my angel....

I know it has been a while since I wrote here, so here goes.  I tend to use this blog for my own brand of therapy.  Tonight I was sitting here watching Corpse Bride like I do every year around Halloween, trying my hardest not to think period.  I was actually starting to enjoy the movie as it was ending.  The final scene of the movie is Emily (the corpse bride) coming to understand that she was coming between love and decided to be selfless.  As she walked away from the bride and groom, she started to ascend, for lack of a better term, and she started breaking into all sorts of tiny beautiful butterflies.  At that point I started to cry and couldn't stop.  My sweet baby girl was really heavy on my mind in that single moment and I couldn't hold it in any longer.  Halloween was supposed to be the first of so many other firsts for my Audrey Katniss.  The holiday has always been one of my favorites and now it just makes me want to break down and cry for hours.  That first Halloween we decided it would be better not to take Audrey trick or treating because she wasn't even a month old yet.  I didn't dress her up or enjoy the holiday as I usually do because I was so worried about her getting sick.  I look back now and wish with all my heart that I had dressed her up and made the most of the only true holiday she was to have.  If I had known that we would only have 2 months with my sweet Bidget I would have done so many more things with her, I would have taken more pictures, I would have video taped at least one thing, just so that I could watch it now.  They say hind sight is 20/20, and I can say with all honesty that it is so much more than that.  I regret so much in those 2 months..  I regret not holding her more, I regret every moment that I didn't spend with her.  I am so angry at myself for being so worried about everything all the time that I didn't truly cherish the time I had with her.  I thought I had a lifetime to make memories with her, I never dreamed that I would have to live the rest of my days hating myself, wondering why, wishing and never seeing her again.  I want so much to hold my sweet girl in my arms, I want to kiss her sweet cheek, hear her giggle just one more time.  I would give anything, anything in the world just to see her face and tell her I love her and how sorry I am that I didn't have more time to show her just how much she meant to me.  I hate that I have to hold my necklace as I lay down to sleep and whisper goodnight to a piece of her instead.  I miss her more and more every single day, every moment of the day she is on my mind.  My broken heart weeps for her.  I long to hear her voice saying mommy, I love you.  I ache to feel her wrap her chubby little arms around my neck in a big hug.  This is so very unfair, she should be here with us and I have no answer.  I can't take faith, or hope.  I have no clue what the future holds, and honestly I don't even care.  I just know that I will plod along until I can hold her in my arms again, tell her how sorry I am, that I love her so very much and how very much I have missed her.  My sweet Bidget, you are missed so very much, every breath that I take is for you.  It is one breath closer to you my butterfly angel....  I love you more than anyone will ever know

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