It has been 7 weeks and 4 days since my world fell apart

Here I sit, 7 weeks and 4 days since my little angel Audrey was taken from me.  I have vented when I can, tried to be strong for my little ones and my hubby, and yet here I sit, having had a major blow out.  My little one is no longer with me and all I can do is say "what if" or even worse, "If only"..  Every moment in my life is consumed with the thought that this is another memory that I should be sharing with my Katnip, and none of it seems to matter.  I find myself wondering why my world is even spinning anymore.  Everyone seems to have disappeared.  I sit here wishing I could just talk to someone about her, about me, about my hurt, ANYTHING at all.  But no one seems to remember that I am here at times.  When they do remember it is like I have become that statistic, oh she lost her baby, I feel bad but there isn't anything I can say.. They seem to have forgotten that I need to talk, that I need to deal with this somehow.  I love hearing,  " I am here if you need me, call or text any time day or night."  But the few times I have reached out, I get rebuffed so I have stopped trying to reach out.  I have my blog which as you can see if you are reading this, I post in every once in a great while, but other than that, and the people who have actually reached out to me because they feel my pain, or something similar, I am pretty much just floating on a sea of sadness and tears.  There are moments when I almost feel human, almost feel like I may one day be in less pain.  But 99% of my days are taken up with the fact that I have been isolated and insulated.  People stay away from me and I don't even know what I could have possibly done.  I have tried to throw myself into my projects just to give myself some meaning again.  But more often than not, I just sit and stare off into space while I think of nothing at all. I need the interaction, I need to talk, I need to cry, I need to grieve.  I keep getting the look, you know the one I am talking about...  The "I pity you" look.  But of all the offers to listen and be there, there are only a select few who have actually stepped up, and offered their shoulders without expecting something in return.  I am so angry with the ones who come around and expect something of me, what the hell am I supposed to give, haven't I given and lost enough????   I am seriously hurting over here... Can't anyone see that????  My husband has always been here for me and for that I am forever grateful, but the poor guy is dealing with his own grief and sorrow.  I just don't get it anymore.  I have gotten more compassion from complete strangers like the Sparks Police Department, or Greg at Walton's Funeral Home, than I have from my own family and friends.  Like I said, there are the select few who have actually been there for me, and I love them all the more for it because I know that they have lives and families of their own to take care of, but what the hell... You say you are there for me, and yet, I can't begin to count the times I have been hurt and let down by someone who says they will come by to see me, or that they are only a phone call or text away but when that phone call is made or that text sent they seem to have forgotten me.  I just feel so alone and so so sad.  I miss my baby girl so damn much and yet I can't even express it.  I try so often to find the words and put them down either on paper or on here, but so many times I have just given up because what is the point.  My life is in shambles, my heart in tattered pieces, and my mind is shattered.  I try so hard to go one every day but some days it is just so hard to even get out of bed.  My children are my life, so I get up to take care of them.  I sleep so little now and feel so lethargic all the time.  I sit in my spot, and just stare at the walls, I try to be productive, but it doesn't happen most of the time.  How in the hell am I supposed to get through this??  Does this pain ever go away?  I just miss her so damn much. My arms ache to feel her, My heart yearns for her.  I sit here and see babies going through the stages and all I can do is cry because my little angel will never do those things.  I will never hear her giggle, or see her smile again.  I will never feel her wrap her arms around me, or feel her little hand in mine.  I will never get to kiss her little face, or her tiny perfect toes.  There are no more sherberts on the belly, or squeaks from her.  I just want to feel her, I want to hear her, I want to see her. I will never do any of these things, and it hurts so bad.  I physically hurt, emotionally hurt, my brain literally doesn't work half the time.  I find myself just wandering around the house.  I went to the store with hubby this weekend, and I was in such a fog.  I couldn't bring myself to be happy about anything.  I just kind of followed behind him going through the motions.  More and more that is what I do, go through the motions of life, but I am not even really part of it anymore.