Today the entire world hurts me

I am sitting here after spending most of my day busy and on and off Facebook, and all i want to do is curl up and cry.  I have read so many stories that are so much like my own and I hurt.   I hurt for those moms and dads, I hurt for the brothers and sisters, I hurt for my Audrey, I hurt for myself and my husband Rick, and I hurt for all of my children.  My little Audrey has put such a huge mark on every single thing I do every day.  I started making bracelets for my family (blood related and not) in her memory and it has become a driving passion for me.  I want every single baby loss mom to have one to remember their little ones.  I have shipped out a bunch so far, and I am happy about the fact that I can help people with their grief even if it is only for a moment.  But every single one of these bracelets breaks my heart a little more.  Every single one of them represents a baby who is not here that should be.  I miss my little girl so much whenever I see a picture of a butterfly, or one of those silly baby angels.  I think about her every second of the day.  She is always right there and sometimes it takes everything in me just to get up and do the things I know have to be done.  My Audrey is someone that I see in every single little baby I meet.  I feel her everywhere I am and everything I do.  I catch myself wishing I could go back and change everything.  I want to wake up and see her sleeping and breathing.  I want to feel her soft little cheeks and hear her sweet little voice as she coos.  I want to be teaching her how to sit on her own.  I want to see her reach her arms out to me.  I want so much and yet none of it is to be and that hurts all over again.  Every little milestone is null and void because she will never experience any of them.  She will never say her first word, (I can guarantee it would have been mom) or learn to give kisses.  I yearn for those things so badly.  I want to feel her little lips on my cheek so damn badly.  my arms ache so bad, my heart aches even worse and all I can do is grin and bare it.  I sit up late at night to grieve my little girl.  I sleep maybe a couple hours a night and I wake up to put that mask back on.  The ever present mask of a mom who is ok.  A mask that the world sees but can't see behind.  The mask shows me as a person moving and doing what she must when behind it all I am is tears and heartache and pain.  My life consists of sitting here staring off into the distance when the lights are out.  My kids go to sleep and I cry, I cry and I cry.  I smell her outfit and I cry, I hold her blankets and I cry.  I see her things and I cry.   I cry so much and yet the tears never lessen, or stop.  They are just below the surface so please be warned that they may come through that mask at any moment.  Lately the mask has been slipping more and more often.  When it does I usually get one of two reactions,  people either wrap me in their arms, which helps beyond measure, or they change the subject, which hurts even more.  I know that the thought of talking about my Audrey has most people bewildered and uncomfortable and I am sorry but my baby is gone and I want, no NEED to talk about her and remember her and cry for her.  She was taken from my arms and no one can ever undo that.  I don't know how often I have had to hide my tears and pretend I am okay and I can't do it anymore.  I want my baby damnit,  I need to talk, I need a hug, I need the love, the caring.  I have reached out before and been rebuffed and I understand that so I have stopped reaching and just curled up inside myself even more.  This is a song that messes me up but I love this song so very much...  I sit and listen to this song and the others on Audrey's Playlist every single day as much as I can.  It is one of the things that gets me through the day.  I love you Audrey Katniss, mommy and daddy miss you so very much every single second of every single minute of every single day.  Please don't forget this.....

Being busy doesn't lessen the pain

ok, here goes,  I have been so busy lately, and I think my brain has finally started to slow down so it is all hitting me soooo hard.  I know that I am doing good and that I am helping other families heal and remember.  Don't get me wrong, I love that I can do this for all of you.  I feel so selfish for feeling this way, but damnit I want my little girl back.  I want to be singing her to sleep instead of sitting awake all night.  I want to wake up to her smiling at me and cooing instead of waking up to dread.  I miss my little Katnip so very much.

I think I need to type these things, Audrey Katniss was my little readheaded princess for 2 short months and it wasn't enough.  We found out we were pregnant and in that one moment I felt my whole world tilt upside down.  We had 3 children in the house all the time plus my son and Kim my stepdaughter, (who by the way is more like one of my own) but we were not expecting another bundle of joy and here she was.  We waited not so patiently at times for her to come and meet her family.  She was a joy from the moment she was born, so vibrant and alive, so loved.  She was so healthy and yes at times fussy, but she was mine, she was my little fussy midget and I love her.  I was graced with her first smile, and in her eyes I saw all the love I feel for her echoed for me.  She was so much of a mama's girl.  We celebrated her first Thanksgiving with us and were so happy to have her.  We went to bed that night thinking our family was whole and perfect, and it was.  Then I woke up the next morning to my world shattering before my eyes.  My beautiful little girl wasn't breathing.  I performed CPR until the police got there and then all I could do was stand there.  They asked me questions that I don't recall answering.  Finally they started to get her into the ambulance and one of the officers asked Rick and I who wanted to go with her to the hospital and I said I wanted to.  In my mind I had to go because no one else could feed her when she finally woke up.  I followed behind that ambulance with my heart in my throat.  They ushered me into the hospital and took me to where her room was.  I wasn't allowed to go in, but I could see them working on her so I just stood there.  My brain hadn't caught up to what was really happening,  I just remember standing there and expecting them to say she was ok.  When they finally came to see me, that wasn't the case at all.  They said Mrs. Hepner we did all we could but she never breathed on her own again.  They asked if I wanted to see her and I walked into that room not sure what to do or say.  The only thing going through my mind at that moment was that my baby was wrapped so tightly in that little blanket and she hates to be swaddled.  I stood by the bed and wanted so badly to pick her up, I wanted to pull that damn tube out of her mouth, I wanted to kiss her and hold her and tell her I love her and tell her she needs to wake up because mommy isn't strong enough to handle the world without her here.  But I did none of those things, My mind was screaming at me, it was stomping it's feet and yelling and crying out but I couldn't even bring myself to say a word.  I just bent over and kissed her beautiful face, her forehead and her sweet little cheeks and whispered over and over , I love you baby girl, I love you so much Katnip, please don't leave me, I need you honey.  But I knew she was not there, I knew she could hear me but I felt her skin getting cold and all I wanted was to cuddle her close.  My baby girl was gone.  We waited 8 weeks for them to finally tell us that the reason she died was undetermined.  She was perfectly healthy.  There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. There was no reason for her to just stop breathing in her sleep.  they have no answers and this makes me so angry.  I stay up most nights just so that I can grieve my beautiful little girl, Audrey Katniss Hepner and then put the mask back on in the morning so that I can make it through the day.  When people ask me how I am doing i just say OK and they leave it alone.  no one asks about how I am feeling or if I need to talk.  There are a few people who have stood beside me, who have wiped my tears and held me while I cried for what seems like hours, and for them I am truly thankful.  So when you ask me why I started this project, This is why.  This soul deep, wretching, and all encompassing pain is why.  I don't want any woman to ever feel this depth of pain.  I don't want any mother to have to tell her children that their little brother or sister isn't coming back.  no mother or Father should have to deal with the "arrangements" My heart has this huge gaping hole that will never ever heal, it will never be whole again.  I miss her with every breath, every single second of every single moment of every single day.  My daughters name is Audrey Katniss, and she lived.  She was mine, for too short a time but she was mine.  Please if you are reading this, Say her name, look at her beautiful smiling face and say her name.  Light a candle, say a prayer or just tell her that you are remembering her.  Let her know that she is loved and that she lived.  I love you Katnip, I miss you with every single beat of my shattered heart.  I will see you again someday, please remember that.