Audrey's first birthday is days away

So, here I sit with my little Bidget on my mind and in my heart.  My heart is heavy and my arms are empty.  I miss her so very much and wish I could see her.  Her birthday is coming up in a couple of days and I have found that I am crying about everything and anything.  My mind is constantly on her and what she would be like right now.  Would her first word have been mama or dada.  Would she be walking or crawling?  Would she be as smiley as she was at 2 months old?  I want to see her eating her birthday cake, listening to everyone singing her happy birthday.  Watch her opening presents.  Instead I am planning a balloon release, My sister in law is making a birthday cake for my little girl that will never be eaten, and the hole in my heart feels ten times emptier.  I sit here listening to the play list I made for her, and staring at her beautiful face and all I can do is cry silently.  I can't let my children see that mommy is hurting so very bad.  I want so much to just curl up under my blankets and scream, I want to beat the crap out of something.  My baby girl should be looking forward to all of the things that should happen in her life and instead she is looking over her family as they cry and sob in pain because she isn't here with them.  As the day gets closer, I seem to have a more tenuous grip on reality.  I can't seem to hold it together, but I try to talk about her every chance I get.  I try so hard to hold on to what I have in my life.  Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful that I have my husband and my children, but one of them isn't here and that is just so hard for me.  It is so hard for me to get out of bed, and yet I do.  I have to take care of my little ones.  I feel so very down and blue.  I know I should be celebrating but what is there to celebrate.  The day my daughter was supposed to be turning 1???  I know that I will never again celebrate Thanksgiving, no turkey, or anything to do with that stupid commercialized holiday.  NOTHING!!!!  My little girl was taken away and I would do ANYTHING, and I do mean ANYTHING for just a moment to feel her in my arms again, to hear her sweet little voice laugh, to see her smile, just a moment to remember the feel of her little hands. to kiss her face, her hands, her little feet!!!!  My baby girl, Audrey Katniss Hepner is so very missed and deeply loved.  The only reasons I can keep moving are my hubby, my kids and the surety I have that one day I will see her again, That one day I will feel her in my arms, kiss her cheeks and be able to tell her I missed her and love her so very much..  This is so very unfair, she was literally torn from our loving family.  I am so sorry but she belongs here with her family, with the people who she was given to in the first place.  I can not believe that there is something or someone so important that they can just take my daughter away from me.  What could possibly be the reason for taking my beautiful, perfectly healthy 2 month and 2 day old daughter from me????  I am truly angry, and so sad at the same time.  Audrey, you are in my heart, on my mind and I will see you again someday.  Until that day I will talk to you, sing to you and tell you I love you.