It's coming so quickly

We are now only 4 days away from my sweet Audrey's 2nd birthday.  I find myself being short with everyone, crying at the drop of a hat and just wanting to curl up and hide from the world.  I have been in touch with other loss moms and I have been told by so many that the 2nd year is always so much harder than the first, because you are were in shock and now you aren't.  I am here to tell you that they weren't shitting me!!!!  I'm so depressed and so very sad.  I get up and take care of my kids, clean the house, do what needs to be done, but I am hollow inside.  My chest aches constantly, and I can't stop crying.  We should be planning a big bash for my sweet, red haired, blue eyed baby girl.  Watching her chasing after her brother and sisters, playing with her extended family, blood related or not.  I should be hearing her sweet little voice calling mommy at the top of her lungs.  My heart hurts so bad right now, and I don't even know what to say or do.  The kidlets are in bed so mommy can finally fall apart after holding it together all day.  I put my headphones on and listen to the play list that I made for her and just curl up and cry.  I truly just wish I could see her smiling face and hold her in my arms.  They ache with the need to feel her.  I couldn't plan anything for her birthday, I couldn't bring myself to ask anyone for help and I probably won't.  No one wants to be around the depressed friend who cries no matter what they do.  My hubby,  who internalizes all of his pain, can't be here with us for her birthday because he has to work.  I know he is hurting just like I am, and yet I worry more about him than I do about myself.  I threw myself into  planning our vow renewal just so that I don't have to feel or think for a little while.  But when all gets quiet in  the house,  I look up at her photos and just want to disappear.  I miss her so very much....   I have one song, that speaks to me so much and I can't stop listening to it.  It's by Pink, its called Beam me up.  The lyrics fit so well, I am going to share them with you, as I  sing them over and over just to feel  close to her, even  if it's only for a minute....

"Beam Me Up"

There's a whole 'nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There's a waltz playin' frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're lookin' at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

Saw a blackbird soarin' in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you sayin' goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

So just beam me up please!!!!!